Mia Emmeline at age four

Joe N. Tucker
1947-2007

It is not an uncommon thing for children to latch on to the parents of their friends during their formative years--at least I hope it is not uncommon. I have visited with several friends of mine who have related the importance of their friends' parents in their lives when they were younger. Be this parent a father who coaches tee-ball or leads a scout troop, or the mother of a friend who really listens when you speak, I believe that these surrogate moms and dads can be as vital and important in our lives as our biological parents. Very often, these are the first adults outside of our homes who treat us as real people, rather than as kids stuck in the roles we fill in our own families.

Growing up, I was blessed with an entire surrogate family, just a couple of blocks (and one easily-leapt fence row) from my parents' house. The Tuckers were like something out of a movie to me--they were (and are) beautiful people, from Joe (the father) all the way down to the baby of the family, Leigh Ann (to whom I owe thanks for my first authentic marriage fantasy). The thing is that the Tuckers were smart and fun and generally just good to be around. They didn't even seem to lose their tempers when I did something stupid that resulted in property damage in their world (once the victim was their billiards bridge; another was a neighbor's coffee table). In each case, Joe and Kathy dealt with me as though my actions were almost understandable, and certainly forgivable. My desire to get tons of attention at any cost was, in their eyes, a phase that some kids went through, and they were always cool about seeing the mayhem in a larger perspective.

Their middle child, Tim, was and is a dear friend of mine from middle school onward. He was my brother and best friend through first girlfriends, first cars, first day of high school, and first road trips, and through everything in between.

This surrogate family provided me with more than I can relate here. I got an extra mom and dad to look up to, a big brother to idolize, a brother my own age as a comrade, and a little sister to dote over; several years, I got to accompany the Tuckers on their yearly pilgrimage to Ft. Walton Beach, Florida, where I was considered one of their own. I could ramble through many a story here that would relate how gifted they were at loving their adopted children, like me, but I have digressed too far already.

About three weeks ago, I got an email from Leigh Ann telling me that Joe had been diagnosed with leukemia--he had an unrelated problem with his esophagus that led him to the doctor, where the cancer was discovered. Everyone was optimistic because they seemed to have caught it in its early stages. Chemotherapy is terrible, and Joe's apparently allowed him to develop a fungal infection that eventually went to his brain; he passed away today around 2:00 p.m.

Joe was a giant to me. He loved playing golf well, loved enjoying his family and his friends, and generally kept a remarkably laid-back attitude. He did have a temper when he needed one, but I never saw him act out on whatever frustration he dealt with. I did see a model of a father who loved his kids and let them grow, a husband who delighted in his wife, a business man whose eyes flashed as he recounted a story to a client, a beach bum who could walk the beach for miles in search of the perfect shell, and a generous friend, even to neighborhood kids who awoke him in the middle of the night from outside his daughter's window (thanks, Justin!)

As is too often the case with surrogate fathers and surrogate sons, I did not take time to tell Joe Tucker that I am thankful for his life; I got busy making adult mistakes and just didn't take the time I wish I had. Like the people he loved who are his real family, I thought I would have more time. So I write this, now, to God and to the universe: Thank you for Josey Tucker, for all he was and is, still, to the people who love him. Even from us neighborhood strays.

Visitation will be on Wednesday at 6:00 to 7:30 at Lloyd James Funeral Home in Tyler.

Now, here's a little Rick Springfield:

My father's chair's still standing there
All alone since the long night
Now it's three years on and I still feel
He'll come home, we'll be alright
So where's this healing time brings
I was told the pain would ease
But it still hurts like the first night

That night my brother, my mother and I
Were looking up at a distant star
And wishing we could reach that far
And back in the house
And alone for the first time
We told each other we cared
We avoided my father's chair

I watch my family, we hold on
We are strong and we'll be alright
The clock continues counting down,
All the while
And every child will share the long night
But do the spirits meet again
Why am I still so filled with doubt
Is my soul everlasting

And the far distant future
When I knew you'd be gone
Came too fast and stays too long
Why do they leave the weak of spirit
And take the strong

But wherein the world turns sour
And I get sick from the smell
And I can't find no comfort there
I climb into my father's chair

Use your wicked vocabulary skills to feed hungry people!

For years I have suffered because of my decision to study English in college. Most of the cross that I have carried has come from inside myself ("Do you want fries with that?" actually plays like a mantra in my subconscious mind), but I have also bravely endured the taunts and jeers of others who wonder just what useful purpose my studies could possibly have.

Well, a buddy of mine from grad school sent out the following link: www.freerice.com The people at FreeRice donate rice at the rate of 10 grains for each word you correctly match to its definition. The rice is paid for by the companies whose ads appear on the page. It is fun! According to the FAQs on the site:

The rice is distributed by the United Nations World Food Program (WFP). The World Food Program is the world’s largest food aid agency, working with over 1,000 other organizations in over 75 countries. In addition to providing food, the World Food Program helps hungry people to become self-reliant so that they escape hunger for good. Wherever possible, the World Food Program buys food locally to support local farmers and the local economy.

So, thanks to this program, people can help make the world a better place while exercising common vocabulary skills; it is an internet game that actually helps people eat. My MA in English just might be worth something practical after all!

More Birthday Fun

The bit of girly face you can see in the first photo with Mia is Kennedy. I promise more photos to come that will do these kids justice. Kennedy's little sister, Taylor, was in attendance, jumping like a little frog...

T-Hawk got into the Mickey-Mouse spirit of it all. He and Aunt Suzy kept Mia for us so we could go to hear Rob Bell in Dallas last night. Suzy dressed Mia in a super-cute dress that looked like something Minnie Mouse would wear, bought decorations and tons of balloons for the party. I have to say that the party was great, especially because of all of the help we had throwing it.













Chad and Shannon, my favorite cousins, came to celebrate. They are the parents of Kennedy and Taylor, two of the cutest and smartest little people I know. This photo is blurry--it is not your eyes, or any physical issue with Chad or Shannon.

Morgan jumped so much that she had to actually stop and rest a little bit! She is a great friend to Mia, and her mommy and daddy are great friends to Stacy and me (touching moment, I know). "Are these kids all beautiful?" you might ask. "Yes. Yes, they are" would be the correct response.








Here's Melissa, aka "Moo," who was just turning four, herself, a couple of years back, with her eldest daughter, Ryan. Ryan and Reagan came to par-tay, and that's just what they did. The Lees are another group of people I categorize as favorites of mine--they are good at just living and being kind and fun.







This is Reagan "Ray" Lee, Moo's other babygirl.












Here is T-Hawk, Brandy, Moo, my big sister, Donna, and Connie's back. The adults seemed to really enjoy watching the kiddos bounce, so much so that we literally became spectators in the stands!

I will add more photos as I get them. I didn't get a good shot of Mark or Chris or James--I barely got to really speak to anyone, it seems.

Our friends Brandy and Chase came (poor Chase was the ONLY boy kid there), as did our friends Kathy and Emily (Emily always takes extra care with Mia--it is really touching). I know we got some photos of everyone, but Stacy and I left our camera in the gym, so I guess we won't really know what we got until we get it back. If you like birthday party pictures, then stay tuned!

Happy Birthday Party Extravaganza Day!

Here's Mia in distress in the bouncy moonwalk room. If you want to have a blast, throw eight kids into one of these and watch them go!

Radical Honesty

This post is not original to me; I copied it and literally pasted it from Emerging Penses. The concept of Radical Honesty is really attractive and intriguing to me, though--it is so far from how I live my life each day that it seems revolutionary to me! It is though-provoking, at least. Anyway, all of the green is Mike's post:

AJ Jacobs, author of The Year of Living Biblically, recently wrote an article for Esquire about a movement called Radical Honesty. According to Jacobs:

The movement was founded by a sixty-six-year-old Virginia-based psychotherapist named Brad Blanton. He says everybody would be happier if we just stopped lying. Tell the truth, all the time. This would be radical enough -- a world without fibs -- but Blanton goes further. He says we should toss out the filters between our brains and our mouths. If you think it, say it. Confess to your boss your secret plans to start your own company. If you're having fantasies about your wife's sister, Blanton says to tell your wife and tell her sister. It's the only path to authentic relationships. It's the only way to smash through modernity's soul-deadening alienation. Oversharing? No such thing.

It's an interesting theory, and this guy apparently seems to really live by it. Jacobs describes his initial contact with Blanton:

I e-mail Blanton to ask if I can come down to Virginia and get some pointers before embarking on my Radical Honesty experiment. He writes back: "I appreciate you for apparently having a real interest and hope you're not just doing a cutesy little superficial dipshit job like most journalists."

I'm already nervous. I better start off with a clean slate. I confess I lied to him in my first e-mail -- that I haven't ordered all his books on Amazon yet. I was just trying to impress upon him that I was serious about his work. He writes back: "Thanks for your honesty in attempting to guess what your manipulative and self-protective motive must have been."

Blanton is not a Christian, in fact he doesn't believe in the categories of morality--only in pragmatism. He simply asserts that radical honesty is the only way to true relationships and real communication--it provides you with a better life. No hiding, no masks, no pretension. He says that even all the little white lies we tell in order to not hurt other's feelings are really harmful, and that people would be better served if we just told them the truth and allowed them to tell the truth to us as well. But he also says the point is relationship. After you tell the truth, even if it's offensive or hard for them to hear, you stick with them and help them work through it until the tension is resolved.

So here is a guy that is taking literally the bible's command to not lie, and yet how many Christians would be willing to adopt his lifestyle of radical honesty? Would you? And if not, what are the reasons we give ourselves for why we shouldn't be completely honest all the time? (In other words, why we shouldn't do exactly what the Bible says.)

Ecological Footprint Quiz

I stumbled onto this quiz through another Blog that I have been enjoying: Emerging Pensees. Mike Clawson is a young pastor in Illinois who wrestles with how we are to live our lives as authentic, vibrant and dynamic Christians who love everyone we come into contact with, even non-Christians (gulp!). As I mentioned in an earlier post, I have recently learned that I am very sympathetic to the Emerging Church movement, and this is mostly because I see in its attitudes the love for one another that Christ commanded. Evidently, there are other movements in Christianity that consider the Emerging movement to be heretical (one writer went so far as to say that Kyle Lake--the Baptist Pastor who graduated from Lee just after me, who was Emergent and who was electrocuted while performing a baptism in front of his congregation--was killed by God for his Emergent message! I may be simple-minded here, but when offered two "versions" of Christianity, one which teaches love and tolerance and that focuses on Grace, and one which takes satisfaction when someone outside of its in-group dies, I findmyself attracted to the loving, graceful version.

Anyway, Mike Clawson is intelligent and thoughtful, and always respectful of all sides of the issues he addresses. I hope I am anything near like him.

Here are my quiz results:

	CATEGORY ACRES FOOD 4.7 MOBILITY 3.2 SHELTER 4.4 GOODS/SERVICES 6.9 TOTAL FOOTPRINT 19
	IN COMPARISON, THE AVERAGE ECOLOGICAL FOOTPRINT IN YOUR COUNTRY IS 24 ACRES PER PERSON. WORLDWIDE, THERE EXIST 4.5 BIOLOGICALLY PRODUCTIVE ACRES PER PERSON.
	IF EVERYONE LIVED LIKE YOU, WE WOULD NEED 4.3 PLANETS.

If you want to take this quiz, yourself, click HERE.

Happy Halloween!

This is one tough kitten, and she loves trick-or-treating!

Our Little Punkin' is Nearly FOUR!

Here's Mia just before turning one--the light pumpkin in the middle is her head!

And here she is the following year, age 2

By age 3, she is beginning to demonstrate an obvious flair for the dramatic!

She is so tall and grown up, now! You would not believe how well she is walking in her walker, or holding a hand; she can even walk a few step without assistance. She is sweet, smart and funny, and I am terribly proud of her.

We are celebrating her birthday at Marvin's Recreational Ministries Center with a big cookie, pizza and a bouncy room, on 17 November. Church may never recover...

Happy 4th Birthday, Mia!

Finally cleared for landing...

After a pretty rough, wild ride for the past couple of months, things are beginning to settle back down at last. I am not saying that we are all through with dealing with Nathaniel's death--in fact, stuff from that plays out in a lot of tiny things really often, it seems--but Stacy is back at work and seems happy to be out of the house, and that means that our little family can slip back in to something close to routine. And that means time will begin to fly again.

Stacy and I celebrated our big four-year anniversary last Thursday. Since it was a special day, and since she knew she would be returning to work this week and hence unable to ever have time off again, we decided to go on a mini vacation. Our destination: Jefferson, Texas. Correction: HAUNTED Jefferson, Texas!

Yep, you heard me. After I booked a Bed and Breakfast, complete with massages, champagne, chocolate-covered strawberries, cut flowers and rose petals strewn everywhere, Stacy got online to search for things to do in that diminutive community and discovered that Jefferson claims to be the most haunted city in Texas. In fact, our B&B, the Claiborne House, which we thoroughly enjoyed, reportedly is home to at least two spooks. In speaking with the owners, who had some pretty convincing photographic evidence, we came to be less skeptical that such hauntings are possible.

That being said, I am not certain I know where to place ghosts in my cosmology. I am a Methodist with Emerging Church leanings (which I have just found out recently); there is not much conversation about ghosts in my tradition. For me, even allowing the possibility of such things is problematic, if only because I don't know what the ramifications of wandering spirits are in my larger world view.

Aside from the photos we saw, nothing much else happened over the weekend that offered any proof one way or another. We went on a "Ghost Walk," touring some old buildings downtown and hearing their histories and past ghostly tales, but had no encounters or spooky photos of our own.

Downtown Jefferson was fun. We really enjoyed a little second-hand bookshop directly across from the Excelsior House Hotel: Fred McKenzie's Books on the Bayou. Mr. McKenzie is just shy of 89 years old, but he looks not a day over 72. He visited with us--especially with Stacy--for the better part of an hour, all the while letting his lunch get cold. He said that he didn't mind because he liked visiting with us better than eating! Apparently, Stacy is a Doppelgänger of a lady Mr. McKenzie nearly married, after WWII. Sure enough, he pulled out one of the history books he has written and showed us a photo of the lass and, indeed, Stacy looks strikingly like her. Weird, wild stuff.

Mr. McKenzie has written two books about the local community in which he grew up; the first one published was Avinger, Texas, USA. The Second is entitled, Hickory Hill. He is completely knowledgeable about history and was a delight to visit with.

We also toured the local history museum, visited the infamous general store, and, at the suggestion of my best chef friend, Jason, we tried out Kitt's Cornbread Sandwiches. One evening, we dined at the Stillwater Inn, which was more upscale, and also pricey-yet-worth-it. Oh, Auntie Skinner's is a good place to have a burger and a beer, especially if you like live music.

As for the B&B, our massages were wonderful! What's more, the accommodations were very comfy (we stayed in a room in the carriage house, far from the haunted parts of the house) and nice, and our breakfasts were nearly art in themselves. The trip was a much-needed getaway for Stacy and me and we would certainly both encourage friends and loved ones to head to Jefferson and unwind a little.

Photos will follow when I scan them....

Services for our son, Nathaniel Ross Dickerson, will be held on Tuesday, July 17th at 2:00 p.m. at Marvin United Methodist Church in downtown Tyler, with Dr. John Robbins officiating.

Nate passed away in his parents’ arms in Dallas on Thursday, July 12. Nate lived for only 16 days, but those days were filled with the love and prayers of many people, all hoping that he would overcome the obstacles that he faced from his early arrival. The caring doctors and nurses at Methodist Hospital worked to help him thrive and make him comfortable, but finally surrendered him to God. Much illness is overcome here on Earth, but some illness can be healed only in Heaven.

Nathaniel is survived by his parents, as well as his sister, Mia, his maternal grandparents, Dr. and Mrs. Floyd G. Betts, of Tyler, his paternal grandparents, Mr. and Mrs. W. E. Dickerson, of Tyler, his great grandparents, Mr. and Mrs. Edward P. Nolte, of New Braunfels, and his great grandmother, Ms. Dianne C. Betts, of Dallas. Nathaniel is also survived by his aunt Donna and uncle Clint Phillips, of Overton, his aunt Diane and uncle Terry Hawkins, of Tyler, and his aunt Kelly Betts, of Seattle Washington, as well as many other loved ones.

Nate’s family requests that memorials be made to Methodist Hospital, Dallas, NICU, or to Marvin UMC Missions Department.

Stacy and I would like to thank you all for your prayers and for the many messages of love and support you have sent our way over the past couple of weeks. The love and compassion of so many people--from Methodist Hospital, from church, from our families and from our jobs--has given us peace. Like it or not, you have shown us God's love.

Nate Update

Mom, Dad, Mia and I drove up to Dallas on Sunday after church to visit baby Nate. Mom and dad had not really gotten to see him, and Mia was excited to go even though she didn't get to actually see the baby she refers to as "my baby." After braving rain and poor traffic conditions, we visited Nate and came back to Tyler in time for dinner.

Stacy is STILL in the hospital in Tyler, enjoying fevers from 99 to 103. Because I stayed with Mia Friday night and Saturday, Stacy was feeling a little lonely, so I got my sister, Suzy, to keep Mia (they get along really well!) for the night; the plan was that I would sleep at the hospital but pick Mia up by 8:30 and take her to therapy.

Dr. Kolni called me at 2:00 a.m. with some bad news: a sharp-eyed nurse had noted a bruise on Nathaniel's belly. As it turns out, he has what is called a perforated colon. Dr. Kolni said that he had a surgeon who would be there within the hour, who would call me back for authorization. We had been blind to problems with Nate's bowels. Mia had faced heart, lung and brain issues and since Nate had no problems in those areas, we sort of supposed that he was in the clear. However, problems with his colon could turn out to be worse in the long run. I couldn't go back to sleep so, after I spoke with the surgeon, I drove up to Dallas to visit my son. He made it through the surgery, and now the fin begins.

Presently, he has two sections of his bowels exposed through his tiny belly. One part is obviously dead; the other part is ill. If he can grow to 5 pounds or so, being fed intravenously, they will try and resection his bowel, inspecting his digestive tract for further problems. If he can't absorb nutrients, he can't grow, though.

To top that, now he is beginning to grow bacteria in his blood similar in class to the e-coli that Stacy is still fighting. I don't know what is possible and what is impossible anymore--everyday miracles abound in the NICU--but I wonder how Nate can make it through with his little, immature immune system when Stacy has been grounded for seven days....

So, if you pray, please pray for Nathaniel, that he will not be in pain and that he will heal and grow. Stacy and I figure that it is out of our hands, so prayer is the only recourse. Thank you, sincerely, to all of you who have emailed and written expressing your kind and loving thoughts, as well as to everyone at Marvin who has offered us hugs and compassion. If there is a bright side of this kind of experience, it has to be that every day I get to see people at their best, acting unselfishly for the benefit of others. I get to tangibly feel the love that friends and relatives freely offer. In the blur that is life lived between two hospitals, I doubt I could make it without the love and support that seems to come from everywhere. Thank you all!

Meet Baby Nate...

Nathaniel Ross Dickerson was born on Tuesday, June 26 in the morning at 10:09. Like his big sister, Mia, he arrived roughly three months early. He was a bit smaller than she was, weighing in at 1 pound, 15 ounces at birth (compared to her 2 pounds, 4 ounces).

The story is this: Stacy felt funny last Sunday; she was spotting just a bit and felt like something was not right. She called her doctor and spoke with the doctor on call, who told her to go to the ER if she felt pain or if the bleeding got worse. Otherwise, she was to relax and keep her appointment with her doctor on Monday. So, that's what she did--she did go in to work on Monday before her appointment, just to do paperwork, though.

By the time Dr. Flannagan saw her at 9 a.m., she was dilated to 4 cm! That bought her a ticket to admission into ETMC for bed rest, which would last as long as we could make it last.

We could only make it last a matter of hours, it turned out. She stayed at 4-5 cm. Monday, but had grown to 6 cm. Tuesday morning, which meant that she could not be transferred to Dallas. Dr. Flannagan called in the neonatal transport team from Methodist Hospital in Dallas--the same hospital where Mia was flown when she arrived in Nacogdoches. Once they showed up, we retrieved Nate from her womb. I watched: it was disconcerting but very cool!

The flight nurse who came to get Nate was Griselda, one of our favorite nurses who took care of Mia for so long. Having her there sort of inspired extra confidence in me; I have always admired her and her coworkers for their sense of mission and compassion. Anyway, seeing her and having her take care of Nate reminded me that God is in control, and that is the best thing to remember when you are in an incomprehensible spot.

Nate in Tyler pre-flight; that is the smallest diaper they had! The Saran Wrap blanket will show up on our bill as a $400, space-age polymer warming blanket. Gotta love our health-care system!

I drove up and visited Nate, stayed at Dianne's house, and visited Nate again the next day. Then, I drove back to Tyler to stay with Stacy. She has since been diagnosed with sepsis (she had e-coli in her blood and was spiking fevers of 103, and feeling terrible. her mom was her first choice of caregivers, but I would have to do, since Sally was on the road to Seattle to help Kelly move up there. Today, Saturday, Stacy has finally licked the e-coli and is feeling better at last. She will hopefully go home on Monday.

Today, I went to my mom's and retrieved Mia. She is taking a nap in her own bed and we are going to spend some good time together before taking food to Stacy this evening. Our little family of three has been expanded to four; we are not out of the woods with Nate, but he is very strong and seems to be a fighter like Mia. If you pray, please remember us in your prayers as we try to work and heal and visit Dallas and keep healthy. I pray the Mia will get the attention she needs during this process, as well. She is too great to be overlooked!

This is what you shall do:

Love the earth and sun and the animals, despise riches, give alms to every one that asks, stand up for the stupid and crazy, devote your income and labor to others, hate tyrants, argue not concerning God, have patience and indulgence toward the people, take off your hat to nothing known or unknown or to any man or number of men, go freely with powerful uneducated persons and with the young and with the mothers of families, read these leaves in the open air every season of every year of your life, re-examine all you have been told at school or church or in any book, dismiss whatever insults your own soul; and your very flesh shall be a great poem and have the richest fluency not only in its words but in the silent lines of its lips and face and between the lashes of your eyes and in every motion and joint of your body… .

Adventures in feeling like an old man, day #1157

Saturday, January 19, 2007: The First Haircut!

For some time, we had noticed that Mia was gifted at looking at the world through a tangle of hair. Stacy and I were divided between allowing Mia's hair to just grow until she hits college (my position) or having her hair cut so she could see and so she would look more groomed (Stacy's position).

I held out for months, but finally came around, so Stacy made an appointment for herself and one for Mia, and we all began to get excited.

This is Mia before her haircut. Say bye-bye to those 70s-esque locks!

Here she is with her tendrils covered just before we headed out.

Check out that distressed face! Although she maintained an air of excitement about getting her hair cut, she seemed to find the actual sitting-in-the-chair part daunting, at first. She came to relax, and really enjoyed watching Stacy get her hair done afterward.

Here is Miss Pam in the middle of trimming Mia up a bit.

The finished product: Here are Mia and Stacy sporting their brand-new looks. Mia apparently aged a year, and I have been assured by many people that this will not be the last time I am shocked by time. This first haircut will pale in comparison to Mia getting her hair done for her prom, for example.

Do my girls look beautiful, or what?! :o)