But, it is all good...

It seems I have some apologizing to do. Thanks to having time to think (between episodes of Curious George on Netflix), I have uncovered some tendencies of mine and begun to make reparations for them a little. 

For instance, I called my friend Chris after ignoring him, outside of weddings and funerals, for several years. We are busy, so there are no hard feelings, but I was not being true to my beliefs about the value of people when I didn't call or write to Chris, so it is right that I finally spoke with him. I have also called Tim and Leigh Ann, who were foundational friends to me while growing up, and had a great conversation with my friend from when we were three-years-old, on, Justin (he instigated that call, but it was good). Just today, I posted some old photos of a girlfriend of mine from OU on Facebook and got to pester her a little. 

Since 1972: Super Schmuck!

And there are many more people I need to say big truths to--my sisters, my mother, my father, other friends. They all deserve an apology because I have walked this pebble for long stretches with my head firmly implanted in my asshole, my mind focused solely on whatever I preferred on any given Wednesday, with my own interests set as primary regardless of repercussions.

I just didn't know, didn't see, and often didn't care, that I was selfish.

Years have passed swiftly, just as everyone always said they would, as though my life was a leaf I dropped into a flowing river. I look backward when I speak with my good, old friends, and I remember more of them that I see before me. And I feel ashamed because I was rash and selfish, because I withheld love from them when I should have loved, and because I just didn't take time to show them that they have enriched my life in ways that I can't explain in words.

But, it is all good. 

See, I am not going to randomly call up everyone I have ever slighted and waste their time with a long, mushy monologue--it would be great to have a party where the guests were all people I have slighted and neglected, because I would get to see everyone I have ever loved, but the next day I would likely start a new list. 

The thing is, people don't want or need big apologies like that would be. Those conversations feel good for maybe fifteen minutes, but then shit moves on and things feel much as they did before because all of our contexts have changed and we just don't mean as much to one another, now, as we once did, at least not as much in our day-to-day lives. And that is as it should be.  By itself, confession can be really selfish.

About the best thing we can do is just understand our bad tendencies--really own them--make amends when given the opportunity, but then really do better as much as we can. I don't want to excuse myself from my sins by claiming that we all fall. I know they are me, anyway.

If you read this, please consider yourself apologized to. Then, call me up and let's take care of one another the way we should have all this time! :o)